i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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