you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
