um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
