If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
