my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
