I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
