I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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