3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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