my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What a dumb baby whore.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
