But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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