She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You can't just leave with hair like that
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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