you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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