I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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