In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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