I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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