just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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