There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
