my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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