dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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