he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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