turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She made me pour olive oil on her.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
