I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
