do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
