I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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