I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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