She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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