Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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