I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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