He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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