Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
