my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
