onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
