I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
