Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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