I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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