The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
