My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
