i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
