I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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