I just threw up on my dentist
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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