Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
