Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
