If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
