So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
