Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
