May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
