he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
