You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
