what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
