I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
