our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
