i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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