Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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