No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
