Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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