I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
