You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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