It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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