thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
